A Note from Hixon Frank
Hey Church!
Not everyone who reads this article is married. Some are single, some divorced, some widowed, and some have no interest in being married at all. Yet, a good understanding of marriage is needed by all of us as we grow in our faith because marriage is intended to be a reflection of God’s relationship with us (Ephesians 5). Over the next several months you will notice an increase in the amount of time GABC dedicates to a proper and helpful understanding of marriages through Bible Studies, special classes, and even a marriage event in the spring because we recognize the value of cultivating a right grasp on the concept of the church as Christ’s bride.
This week’s article is intended to be a reminder of the importance of our words in marriage through the different ways we communicate with our spouse.
Any good counselor, pastor, or teacher will tell you that a couple needs to learn how to communicate with each other. We all know it to be true! But what exactly does that mean? As I have been re-reading Gary Chapman’s book Covenant Marriage (B/H 1992), I realize that I communicate like a man (through small words and guttural sounds), while my wife communicates like a woman (using a lot of words and details). So how are we supposed to communicate with each other? I’m glad you asked…
Here are 5 easy ways to talk to your spouse:
- PLEASANTRIES– “Do you know I treat you at least as well as my co-workers?”
Usually these words come out of our mouths with little to no thought when we are dating/courting. But after time, many couples forget to treat their spouse – dare I say it – courteously. While we are kind to the barista, the clerk, and the person we pass in the hallway at work, we often overlook the need to extend that same kindness to our spouse as we grow more comfortable and flippant with the words we use. Kindness and being pleasant can “grease the wheels of your marriage.” It isn’t difficult, and there is no risk involved. Just say it…
- REPORTER TALK– “Do you know what happened?”
All of the “moving parts” to your life, at the very least the big ones, need to be communicated to your spouse. “The life you share has to be shared.” Some examples…
“I’ll pick up Sydney from school if you can take Sarah-Clare to practice.”
“The game is at 4pm, but we have to be there early.”
“I’m going to be late for dinner”
“Your mom called.”
“The dog ran off, but the neighbor found it.”
“Ginny got a great report from her doctor.”
“I was in a fender bender but doing fine”
etc…
Sometimes the success of marriage and parenting hinges on just the little details of life.
- INTELLECTUAL TALK –“Do you know what I think?”
Sharing opinions, judgements, and interpretations about whatever the subject happens to be involves some risk. We are letting our spouse in on how we process the information we receive. When you share your opinion, there is a chance that your spouse will disagree with you. That, in and of itself, isn’t a problem. In fact, it is to be welcomed. But not every marriage handles disagreement very well… this is THE RISK, as well as a gauge by which you can determine the health of your marriage.
Some couples don’t spend tons of time on this level because they don’t like their ideas questioned or challenged.
- EMOTIONAL TALK– “Do you know how I feel?”
Getting a little riskier. If there is one thing men and women clash over, it is the emotional impact of different things in our lives. While men and women have the same emotions, they are expressed differently and applied to different situations.
Men get mad, happy, glad, angry, nostalgic, protective, wounded, etc… just like women.
- They said something early on in marriage, and she hasn’t recovered from it.
- She set limits on what could be discussed because of poor self-esteem, insecurity, or just plain old stubbornness.
- He shuts down when it gets emotional because he can’t keep up with her… and the list goes on…
Many couples rarely communicate on this level because they fear their emotions won’t be accepted.
- LOVING TRUTH TALK – “Do you know I love you enough to share my hopes, dreams, feelings and thoughts with you?”
This is the Apex of communication. It allows you to speak the truth in love… it allows you to be fully known and, ideally, fully loved. It is honest but not condemning, open but not demanding.
So much is wrapped it this level including:
- We seek to understand our spouse’s thoughts, desires, emotions, etc…
- We look for ways to grow together despite our differences.
- We must ACCEPT our spouse… they must accept their past.
- We must accept their personality.
- We must accept their wounds.
ALL of these levels of communication are important. Spouses should flow freely between the different levels. It takes active work on both sides, but it is awesome when you and your spouse are communicating on all levels.
In the same way that spouses communicate, these five levels should also inform the way we talk to God. God is the bridegroom, and we as the church are His bride; our conversation with Him should reflect our understanding of a right relationship with Christ. We should be respectful in the way we talk to the Lord about our lives, our thoughts, our feelings, and our vulnerabilities, recognizing that prayer is an ongoing conversation with God.
Hope this is helpful,
Hixon
ALSO:
Senior Adult Revival and Lunch on August 7-9 at 10:00 am in the CrossWalk Conference Center. Dr. Jim Henry (retired pastor from FBC Orlando) is the preacher and Dallas Holm is the Worship Leader for the week. Lunch ($5) is offered each day after the service. An offering will be taken to support Mission:Dignity. The revival is open to all. Reservations are required for lunch www.gabc.org/senior-adults.